Peer Pressure

Middle school is a tough age.

I remember feeling overwhelmed by the new school and the bells and lockers and changing classes and having a whole bunch of teachers instead of just one or two.

I remember wondering what people thought of what I was wearing and if I had managed to control my frizzy hair enough that morning to make it look presentable. I remember worrying about if people would think the things I said and did were stupid. I remember really wanting to fit in, to be a part of a group, to have friends--especially after I had to change schools the summer before 7th grade. It was a stressful time.

And in 8th grade, even though we were the big dogs on campus and I had a group and I was into running track and found part of my identity there, all those insecurities were still there, just below the surface--I wanted to fit in.

Peer pressure is a powerful reality. Especially at middle school age, my kid's age.

I love my kids. The cute ones. The crazy ones. The struggling ones. The ones being pressured. Eve the ones doing the bullying and the pressuring. I really do. If I didn't, I wouldn't still be teaching and I wouldn't be sitting here on a Friday afternoon thinking about them.

Because peer pressure makes people do things that they wouldn't ordinarily do. Things they would never dream of doing on their own, but seem perfectly reasonable if the end result is acceptance. And those things you they do are largely dependent upon who their influencing peers are and what they're doing.

Peer pressure can make a kid who made honor roll up until their 8th grade year suddenly decide that doing work of any kind isn't cool. That it's cooler to fail, because then at least the cool kid sitting beside you, who doesn't do his work either, thinks of you as his friend.

But then when I get this same child alone he asks me to give him an assigned seat so that he can do his work. And he pulls out the work that he should have been doing in class and asks me how to do it and if he can sit in my room for a little while to work on it. And it breaks my heart.

Peer pressure can make the kid who was previously sweet and quiet and congenial have an attitude and walk around with a scowl on his face or be the class clown, always checking out of the corner of his eye to see the reaction of those around him when he shows off this new found attitude.

But then when I get this same child alone he's reasonable and friendly and able to have a civil and (somewhat) adult conversation. And most of the time I even get him to smile or (gasp!) laugh at something I say and maybe even joke back with me. Without all his friends around, it's like I'm talking to a totally different kid. And it breaks my heart.

Peer pressure can make the kid who used to care about soccer and video games now show interest pretty much only in girls or gangs or drugs. To him those things feel like his life--because all of his friends act like it's their life. And for some of his friends, it is.

But then when I get this same child alone he talks to me about his family and how he worries about them. And he tells me how he doesn't know what happened to him this year because last year he used to read and write all the time and now when he sits down to read it's really hard. And he's worried about it because he can tell he's getting worse at school. And he tells me how he wants to go to ITT Tech to become a game designer, but he doesn't think he can do it anymore. And I see passion and excitement in him about something other than the gang life and all that comes with it. And while it makes my heart melt, it also breaks it, because I know he's got a tough road ahead of him.

Peer pressure is a powerful change agent. Especially at this age. For some of my kids, I hope like crazy that it's not permanent change.

But like I try to smile and tell them when they're pushing my buttons or acting crazy, one thing I know from teaching kids this age is that they're normal-- a lot of 8th graders go through this funk--and that in a few years they'll come back and visit me and be wonderful, normal human beings again.

My prayer is that this stage that some of them go through during 8th grade, where they're thinking they're grown but still trying to figure out who they are and caring more about what their peers think than almost anything else, really is just a stage. I pray that it's something they will grow out of, as they figure out who they are and where they're headed in life--and as they realize that what their peers think is not the end all, be all in life. And I pray that I can be a voice of reason as they try to negotiate that road for themselves. Because as one of my little girls wrote last week, when you live on Bellaire Boulevard, life can be hard. For some, because of their built in peers, it can be downright dangerous.

Because some of the kids at my school have peers who are scary. And who are pressuring them to make decisions more grown up than they really are and with consequences bigger than they can understand at 15. And a lot of these peers know the power of peer pressure and are using it for all they've got.

Peer pressure is powerful. And as I watch is in action every day, I make a mental note to remember this when my child reaches the age where they have peers--and to do all I can to surround them with ones who will pressure them to walk a godly road.